I know I haven't put much up on the blog about Helen's esotropia. Honestly ever since we have found out that she will for surehave to have the surgery to correct the alignment in her eyes, I haven't really been talking about the situation. Most of you would probably think of that of denial.
In all reality it's not denial. Not that I didn't want to keep any of you informed either. I just felt more comfortable in my own bubble. Because lets be completely honest the blogging community can be harsh. Though I didn't just keep my thoughts from the blogging community I kept them from my close friends, family and my husband as well. Basically because I did not want to cry. I did not want to discuss how I felt about the surgery because I did not want to cry. I did not want to show I was nervous. I didn't want anyone to see that I was scared deep inside. That was until yesterday when I sat down by myself and the tears started to flow. I allowed myself to cry. I wrote down in my journal my thoughts, feelings and prayers. It helped a little. In all honestly not as much as it would if I were to actually open up to a human.
Therefore this morning I opened up to my Dad. That's when I knew I couldn't hold it back and I cried like a baby because of all my fears and stresses of Helen's upcoming surgery. He then told me it's okay to cry. Which is true because we all cry.
Yes it may be an outpatient surgery but the total time of being at the hospital will be 8 hours estimated. And I do not take surgery lightly when it comes to my daughter.
So here we go. Here is how I am feeling and this morning I cried. I let the tears flow while talking to my Dad on the phone. Boy did it feel much better than keeping myself super busy with chores trying to ease my mind. Don't worry I still finished my chores. Ha ha.
- I am nervous to see my 2 year old daughter be put under for surgery. It breaks my heart that I am almost 26 years of age and never had to be put under for surgery and she is only 2.
- I'm afraid she will not know what is going on when the day comes, the time comes. I'm am dreading the look on her face. Lord help me.
- I am dreading the actual day of surgery, the drive to the hospital.
- I am nervous I will pass while she is in the surgery room.
- I am afraid I will skip a step while she is at home in the recovery stage.
- I am stressed with the fact of making sure I still meet the needs of our two older daughters during this time.
- I am stressed while making sure everything is all set with the two older girls during the surgery day.
- I am nervous and stressed trying to prepare everyone for this big day.
- All while all this I am trying to look on the uphill of all of this.
- Most of all I have to remind myself to be strong for Helen the day of surgery and it's okay to cry.
We would love and appreciate all of your kind words and prayers!
