I know I haven't put much up on the blog about Helen's esotropia. Honestly ever since we have found out that she will for surehave to have the surgery to correct the alignment in her eyes, I haven't really been talking about the situation. Most of you would probably think of that of denial.
In all reality it's not denial. Not that I didn't want to keep any of you informed either. I just felt more comfortable in my own bubble. Because lets be completely honest the blogging community can be harsh. Though I didn't just keep my thoughts from the blogging community I kept them from my close friends, family and my husband as well. Basically because I did not want to cry. I did not want to discuss how I felt about the surgery because I did not want to cry. I did not want to show I was nervous. I didn't want anyone to see that I was scared deep inside. That was until yesterday when I sat down by myself and the tears started to flow. I allowed myself to cry. I wrote down in my journal my thoughts, feelings and prayers. It helped a little. In all honestly not as much as it would if I were to actually open up to a human.
Therefore this morning I opened up to my Dad. That's when I knew I couldn't hold it back and I cried like a baby because of all my fears and stresses of Helen's upcoming surgery. He then told me it's okay to cry. Which is true because we all cry.
Yes it may be an outpatient surgery but the total time of being at the hospital will be 8 hours estimated. And I do not take surgery lightly when it comes to my daughter.
So here we go. Here is how I am feeling and this morning I cried. I let the tears flow while talking to my Dad on the phone. Boy did it feel much better than keeping myself super busy with chores trying to ease my mind. Don't worry I still finished my chores. Ha ha.
- I am nervous to see my 2 year old daughter be put under for surgery. It breaks my heart that I am almost 26 years of age and never had to be put under for surgery and she is only 2.
- I'm afraid she will not know what is going on when the day comes, the time comes. I'm am dreading the look on her face. Lord help me.
- I am dreading the actual day of surgery, the drive to the hospital.
- I am nervous I will pass while she is in the surgery room.
- I am afraid I will skip a step while she is at home in the recovery stage.
- I am stressed with the fact of making sure I still meet the needs of our two older daughters during this time.
- I am stressed while making sure everything is all set with the two older girls during the surgery day.
- I am nervous and stressed trying to prepare everyone for this big day.
- All while all this I am trying to look on the uphill of all of this.
- Most of all I have to remind myself to be strong for Helen the day of surgery and it's okay to cry.
We would love and appreciate all of your kind words and prayers!
4 comments
Kate,
You got this. I had alot of nerve racking situations with the girls well they stayed in the nicu. As a mom its one of the hardest things to have to sit back and watch well someone else cares for your child, whether its an hour in the hospital or month's. It is not fun. Surgery is super scary when its your child and you have every right to cry, be nervous, and have anxiety. Our family will be praying for yours for the next few weeks. If there is anything at all that we can do to help please let us know. (I know its super hard to except help when your a sahm) here are a couple of verses that helped me when my girls were in the hospital-"hope anchors the soul" -Hebrews 6:19 and im not exactly sure where this comes from in the bible and we've all heard it a million times but...don't be anxious about anything but instead come to God with everything...if he takes care of the birds in the sky he will surely take care of you. ( I definitely paraphrased that)
It's the waiting that is hard. You have a long time to think about it over and over. It makes my stomach turn just thinking about your child having surgery. The anxiety you feel must be over whelming. My prayers are with you and your family.
Oh, I know just how scary that could be! My baby sister had to be put under for surgery at 11 months old--knowing she had to go through that is heartbreaking and terrifying. Hopefully those hours will fly by and everything will go even smoother than expected!
If I may say I know exactly how you are feeling. Granted With my 3 year old it wasn't quite invasive and I wasn't really given much time to prepare or think about it. Having to see your child put under or sedated is harder on us then it is on them. Praying for Helen and your family. It will be over before you know it and always remember they are in great hands..
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