Eating Disorders; Everyday Battle & Personal Battle

This is a personal struggle I felt like sharing to all of you. Maybe it can help those who also struggle and help open eyes to those who don't. Also, please be aware this is  non edited. I wrote it as the words meet my fingers.

For those who know me on a personal level, know that I have had an eating disorder before my first daughter. I sometimes think my pregnancy with my oldest saved me from my eating disorder.

It started while I was in 8th grade, and to be honest I really don't know why. I didn't like the body image I saw in the mirror? Most likely, but I try to block out those moments. It slowly started with me throwing my breakfast away and telling my mom I ate it before walking out the door for school. To eating just an apple for lunches just so friends wouldn't say anything. It finally came down to a point where some dear friends of mine back then had brought it their concern to my parents. As thing progressed and I struggled with eating, one night my mom forced me to eat crackers. If I did not eat the crackers she said I would end up sick in the hospital. Of course I ate the crackers and felt so horrible. Not horrible for the fact of getting sick but allowing food into my system. A  couple years of the struggle went on. I went down to a size 2.

Once I found out I was pregnant with my oldest I knew I had to take care of myself to have a healthy baby. Let me tell you, it sure is hard to have an eating disorder while pregnant! I managed to fight my way through it and learned how much I loved food. I gained 10 pounds in the first 2 months of my pregnancy. My doctor told me that was because I was underweight. Duh! At the end of my pregnancy I had gained 65 pounds and was huge. After I had my daughter, I fell into a dark hole of depression. I was now fat; at least I thought so. I had to lose the weight as fast as I could. I wanted to be back to myself; which was a size 2 who didn't eat. After I had thought this pregnancy saved me from an eating disorder, it had not. I remember crying for hours upon hours just because I hated my body image and felt fat. Luckily my husband fiance at the time was great with this period of my struggle. I'm sure there were moments when he had no clue what to do or say because no matter what you would say I didn't believe you. You could say I looked great, I was beautiful, I would reply its a lie.

Once I fell back into routine and my daughter was getting close to a year, I knew I had to change for good this time. I had to fight this evil battle that was taking over my body and emotions. I had to take charge. It was not easy by any means.

 I was able to win the battle that I had been fighting for years and keep 10 pounds on from my pregnancy weight. Which were doctor's orders; keep 10 pounds after your pregnancy to be at a healthy weight. Therefore I did just that.

It still is an everyday battle and some days are better than others. But as years go by I am beginning to be truly happy with my body.  There will still be days when 1:00 pm come around and I will remember I haven't ate yet that day. Each of my pregnancies were emotionally rough with gaining weight. But I made through the 9 months and post months of losing weight the "healthy" way. I have to be the motherly roll model for my 3 daughters. I want them to feel comfortable in their skin and not feel the way I do when I look in the mirror. I want them to look and think, "I am gorgeous!"

If you suffer from an eating disorder remember your not alone.