As I was browsing Target this evening with my three lovely daughters in search of the perfect Easter dress, my heart told me to go look at the books. After the fun of trying on the dress with the help of my daughters , we made our way to the book isles. Not to mention I haven't looked in the books for a long time. I just haven't had the time to actually sit down and get lost in a book. If you know me personally, I love to read. Whether it is a short children's story to a think chapter book. One of my favorite authors is Jodi Picoult. As I am glancing through the books on the shelves this certain book pops out at me in an instant. It was titled, "To Heaven And back" by Mary C. Neal, MD. I then questioned in my head, "what steered me to the books and why did this certain book pop out at me"? I didn't even hesitate; I grabbed the book and gently set it in the the cart.
Alright so let me be a little honest here, this is not easy. At one point I started to feel ashamed of myself for losing faith. It all started around a year and a half ago. I have allowed a person in my life and trusted to easily. Which is one of my flaws. I like to give others the benefit of the doubt. You know don't judge a book by its cover? Or Innocent till proven guilty? But I have learned that does not always work. You should read the introduction of a book first.
After months of having my faith tested and belief in God tested; yes I said it, I started to fall apart on the inside. I remember like it was yesterday after a night of crying; okay crying would be an understatement; I sat up on my bed literally shaking my fist in the air looking out my bedroom window. It was my very last prayer I had said, asking God himself, "why are you doing this to me?! What did I do to deserve to be treated like this?!" As I ended my prayer I told him that I can no longer take it and to remove all of it from my mind. As months went on I still had to deal with the questioning of my faith. and therefore I started to question God himself. He was not answering my prayers let alone giving me any sort of signs. I still had to deal with tearful days turned into nights. Along with the feeling of family not feeling so much like family at all.
During those months I developed sever anxiety to the point of almost vomiting in public. I couldn't go anywhere literally with out my husband along my side. I became a prisoner in my own home. And on the days where I would be depressed or cry in front of my daughters because holding it in was no longer an option physically. It killed me inside that my daughters had to watch me go through this hurt. Yet I felt I couldn't explaine to them why I was crying if they caught me or tell them who made me cry. I usually tried to hide my pain, but it wasn't always easy. They were just too little and I didn't/don't want my daughters to grow up judging. But with the love of my husband and daughters by my side during this hardship I have endured a stronger me. I have slowly overcome the anxiety and with a little help now thanks to anxiety medication. Soon hoping not to need them at all.
Back to the book. Once I tucked my daughters in tightly, I couldn't wait to get my hands on my new book. I wasn't quit sure why. It's not the kind of book I would be reading right now that's for sure. After reading the first chapter I couldn't help myself but to keep reading on. I felt my spirits being lifted and my faith regrowing inside me the more I read. Could God have planed me to buy this book? Was it for a reason? Or was it just a coincidence. I believe it was Gods beautiful work. Not to mention Easter is this coming Sunday. Maybe it's a good day to start heading back to church again?! I think so!
Will I forgive? yes I do. Will I forget? Heck no. I don't think most people can forget how they are treated badly to an extant and blamed unfairly. Will I be cautious with my friendships weather its with family or friends? Of course. I almost have a guarded double wall now that's for sure. But I have learned God has a plan weather or not we know what it is at the time or why we have to go through so much pain and hurt. But don't lose your faith...trust me!
2 comments
Loved reading this Kate! =)
Hola Kate!
Thank you so much for opening your heart and sharing. In doing so, you have touched my heart. For many, many years I had to live on faith alone and it continues to be my rock. I don't believe in coincidences, you were definitely meant to find that book, just as much as I was meant to read this post. Thanks for linking up. I hope and look forward to more.
~SimplyyMayra :)
Post a Comment