Bringing Caleb Home - Guest Post by One Ruud Mom

Today I am excited to share a special guest post from One Ruud Mom. Be sure to give her blog some love.

Bringing my son Caleb home with us was probably one of the proudest, but scariest, moments of my life.

Here I was, a first-time, full-time mom, and I had no idea what I was doing.

Fast forward a year and the joy of being a mom full-time had consumed me to the point I knew I wanted to stay home. After a talk about finances with my husband Joel and the realization that my whole paycheck was going into daycare and insurance, we came to the conclusion that staying home was possible. So I quit my job and prepared for life as a stay-at-home mom.

Leaving the workplace, taking him out of daycare, and knowing I'd be the primary source of Caleb's entertainment scared me. What if we come to realize that we can't afford this and we end up homeless? What if he hates spending time with me? What if I'm a horrible mom and I just haven't realized it yet?

Of course, I was expecting to have to make huge adjustments being at home full-time with Caleb. What I wasn't expecting was to get pregnant right away once I was.

I know how babies are made so I can't say that getting pregnant was an accident. but being pregnant so soon was unexpected. After experiencing loss and having to try for almost a year to get pregnant with Caleb, did I think the first time I got pregnant again would take? Not a chance.

Because of this, we only told a few people the news.

I was an emotional wreck processing the arrival of a second full-time child, but the problem with telling anybody that you are pregnant is that the news gets out. I was having a hard enough time coming to terms with being pregnant again, on top of that I had to deal with people asking questions constantly and people I didn't want to know finding out when all I wanted to do was stand on a mountain and scream, "I DON'T KNOW IF I'M READY FOR THIS!".

Enter: the struggle with mom guilt.

Having two children at home has always been a hopeful minimum for Joel. Here I had been saying since Caleb came home that I would be perfectly happy with one but I agreed to try for another and bam! I'm pregnant.

Now I'm thinking, this is too soon. This is not fair to Caleb. He just turned a year old and he just started adjusting to life with me at home. I can't believe I'm doing this to him.

Then I'm thinking that I'm a jerk for thinking those things. I am so blessed to be pregnant again. Once I made it through the first trimester, I breathed a sigh of relief knowing we had made it and that I didn't have to go through what I went through with Caleb. I knew I should be over the moon that this blessing is ours, I shouldn't be questioning it. But I am questioning it. For the last six months, I have been feeling all sorts of conflicted that this is my life.

I have been so focused on spending time with Caleb. I wanted to make the most out of all of the time the two of us have left together, but life happens.

We moved out of our apartment which was the most stressful move of my life. Then we stayed with my parents for a month before finding our first home. Then we moved into our first home, another stressful move. Then Joel had to take on a ridiculous amount of extra hours at work because with the house our finances were wicked tight. Then Joel took on even more hours because his busy season had arrived, there were so many things, one right after the other. Time is moving way too fast and I don't know what to do to slow it down.

I have gone to bed many nights crying because I didn't do enough with Caleb that day. I have dreaded talking to my mom because I know she will ask me what we did and when I say, "We went to the park, ate lunch outside, and then took a nap together this afternoon." I will convince myself that's not enough.

Then more guilt sets in when I share with Joel that I don't think it's enough. He sees Caleb as a happy toddler that adores his family and to him, the fact that Caleb is healthy and fed and goes to bed every night happy and wakes up happier every morning is enough. He adds that if I keep stressing out about what we do each day, I'm going to look back and wish I had just lived in the moment.

And he's right.

Guilt has a way of consuming me and what I need to do is just take it day by day.

Yes, life is going to change with two kids at home and if Caleb doesn't hate me for bringing another baby into the picture, eventually he will hate me for something else. It comes with the territory of being a mom, right?

So today I am saying goodbye to this very real mom guilt. It has gone on long enough.