There Is Still Hope & My Breaking Point

Today I sit here as I make a tough decision. Not really a decision to make I guess. More like an emotional decision. It's best for my health and future living. Also as sit I had no clue how to open this short story of mine for my blog. I couldn't make up my mind. I didn't know whether or not to open this post up with, so here we go.

As I sat on the edge of my bed with the door closed this past weekend feeling bitter, I knew I  had hit my breaking point. My emotions have finally hit an all time high that I could never have imagined. I hate Endometriosis. As of right now everything I use to enjoy as been ripped away. Going on walks with my Daughters. Taking my Daughters on fun little trips now that summer break is upon us. Keeping up with house chores by the end of the day leaves me in so much pain I can barley walk. Some days I am on all fours crawling. Ordering out has become more of the norm sadly. I could go on but I won't. I try not to let it define me. I push through the pain and when I do I'm making up for it for sure.  So yes I said hate and in this case I can. I want my enjoyable life back.

 Inside of me there is still hope that they will someday soon say, "You do not have Endometriosis." I still pray there is hope it is something Else that is simple and fixable and I can continue on. Where is that magic wand when you need it? But I feel that is far from the case when your at your second Doctors appointment at their already asking you, " do you want to have more children in the future?" They probably have to ask that out of precaution. After the child question I stumbled my words a bit. I answered, "no we are finished having babies. We are happy with are three Daughters." I may even have let out a tiny giggle after I mentioned my three Daughters. I usually do. Maybe that tiny giggle is always there because deep down inside I wish I had a son for my three Daughters to look over. Or a son to give my husband to work on cars with. Maybe that Laughter is me being strong and hiding my emotions.

 The appointment continued on and my Doctor start rambling on all the many different road of options we would try. Key word= try. In my case the severity of my pain and my menstrual cycles are so frequent and sporadic that more than half the options are just a guessing game. A guessing game of hope. Hope it would work. But in my case we can't bargain with options that end with hope because my everyday normal life activities are being affected.

The severity of my pain along with the other symptoms have now started to control my everyday life and now my emotions. Therefore the options that fit best for me and my situation is surgery. Again, he rambled off a few different options, the laparoscopy or an ablation. The hysterectomy was out of the question so far because I am still young at the age of twenty-six. Too young I feel to even be going through any of this. My Doctor explained each options to me very well.

After making my decision in the Doctor office I chose to go the route of the laparoscopy with the medication; progesterone. The following morning after my Doctors appointment (yesterday) I had another new medical issue arouse. Of course that meant yet another call into my Doctor. Followed by yet another Doctor appointment. At that moment I was not sure if I was going to be sent in right away or not. After feeling like I live in the Doctor office this week, I have been lost in much thought. Thankfully it is just an infection that can be treated.

After an emotion roller-coaster I have a final day set for surgery this month. I cannot wait to feel like myself again in hopes that this surgery works. It should work. I'm praying it works.